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My relationship with my mom is not the best, I don't even want there to be a relationship with my mom at this point. She did enough damage to me during my childhood that I ended up being permanently messed up and now she's trying to be involved with my life again through my sister. Honestly, I think that I need therapy or counselling or something to fix me. The main problem is that I think people are more interested in offering help to children (I went to a lot of counselling when I was a kid, it didn't help much because I didn't know what the problem was so talking about it didn't help) or when you're an adult who outwardly screams that they need help. I rarely ever ask for help, so most people don't see me suffering in silence, waking up in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare on a regular basis.
I remember being raped when I was a child, though I'm trying my best to forget the memory. I remember the location (vaguely) but I don't remember the person who raped me. I do remember when the traumatic memory that I believe I repressed came into my mind and I had a panic attack as the memory played and I was once again a scared little boy in a room with a person I had no reason to distrust up to that point.
I also remember something that a portion of the newer generation of autistic people don't. I was sent to a hospital for evaluation, which was more of a psychological aspect of my development than anything. Nothing says "You're different than other people" like staying in a hospital for a few weeks with bars on the windows and locks on the doors. My room was next to a room with padded walls where unruly children were sent to calm down. So, I would often hear the children in the hospital banging against the walls and screaming until they eventually passed out. People still don't understand autism, but when I was a kid I was still in the period where different experimental treatments were being used to treat me and monitor my condition. I've had a number of MRIs when I was a kid, a number of bloodtests and I was briefly in an educational video on autistic adults that some people made for a University project.
I also remember being prescribed a number of pills and seeing a number of psychologists, none of which worked. The only reason people were interested in me as a kid was because I attempted suicide. What doctor wouldn't want the opportunity to help a depressed autistic child who attempted to kill himself?
I feel so much anger sometimes, but I don't know who to be angry towards. Myself, the part of society that made me the way I am or the part of society that doesn't care about people like me. The kind of people who are more than happy to sweep me under the rug and ignore me until I start screeching like a monkey, then they stare at me for a few minutes as a person might stare at a zoo animal.